Equal Time, ‘cause I’m a Swell Guy!
Thanks to all of you, for being so enthralled by my recent platform pieces. You’re probably sufficiently riveted that you forgot I’m not running unopposed. So, in the interest of fairness, I feel it necessary to brief you on what each of my so-called “opponents” brings to the table.
Carlos Avila: He seems like a nice guy. He also seems to believe that the government hasn’t done nearly enough in the nanny/social worker department. He is wrong. I have a feeling that this guy would spend our money like it’s going out of style, in return for little more than the same old failure. Yes, I’ve grown accustomed to this, but I’ve had enough. But what do I know? If this sounds good to you, Avila’s your man.
Evelyn DeLeon: She is, by all accounts, a very nice lady and an engaged community activist…and that’s where this train stops. I have no idea of what else she stands for, because I can’t understand a single word she says or writes. I’d probably rather be represented in Council by a dolphin, if only for the superior communication skills. But hey, if you think our current Council is too intelligent, and could use a nice stroke of sub-literacy, by all means, pull the lever for Ms. DeLeon.
Paul Harris, Jr.: According to several of my moles, Harris has made clear his intention to use City Council as nothing more than a stepping stone toward ever higher elected office…which is to say he will be USING US to further his delusional and egomaniacal political ambitions. Wonderful - another wannabe career politician...exactly what we need. Also, please recall the whole trentonian.com “scandal,” in which he was straight-up BUSTED for attaching false names to comment posts, which were engineered to denigrate his opponents. I don’t know if I’m appalled more by the underhandedness of the whole thing, or the fact that Mr. Harris was too stupid to realize that this tactic would blow up in his face. If stupidity and duplicity are traits you admire in elected officials, vote Harris on Tuesday.
Juan Martinez: He was a community activist and vocal critic of the Palmer administration, until King Douglas Hunterdon Palmer shut him up with a phony-baloney Trenton Publik Skoolz “job;” one created just for him. This alone qualifies Mr. Martinez as a superlatively appalling sell-out, even by the outrageous standards of Trenton politics. Need I go on?
GEORGE MUSCHAL!!! I HAVE READ HIS FIVE TYPED POSITION PAPERS, ALL OF WHICH SHOW THAT HE BELIEVES THE KEY TO THE ELECTION IS PANDERING TO A POPULATION SEGMENT THAT ALL BUT LEFT TRENTON A LONG TIME AGO!!! BY WHICH I MEAN ANGRY, OLD WHITE PEOPLE!!! I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S SILLIER – HIS CAMPAIGN STRATEGY, WHICH TEETERS ON THE BRINK OF RACISM, OR HIS HAIR PIECE, WHICH TEETERS ON THE BRINK OF HILARIOUS!!!
Patricia Stewart: She has been around a long time, and probably knows better than all opponents combined how this City functions, and (more importantly) how it really should function. She claims to be beholden to nobody, and has no further political aspirations. If elected, she will probably be our Council-thing 24 hours a day, for better or for worse. Compare that with our current assemblage of Council losers, all of whom lamely and poorly attempt to work their Council duties around their taxpayer-funded day “jobs.” Unfortunately, Ms. Stewart can come off as a crotchety old lady, which will be to her discredit with this grossly unsophisticated electorate, which treasures style over, well, everything.
There you have it. Now that I’ve given you all six more reasons to vote for me, you all better write my ass in next Tuesday.
MR. CLEAN FOR COUNCIL: BETTER THAN A PUNCH IN THE THROAT!!!
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Thursday, October 29, 2009
“CLEAN”ING UP TRENTON - #5
The Tow Truck Revolution
Back when I used to care about washing my low-end German import on a more frequent basis than “every April or so,” I would take it to that huge-ass car wash on Lalor Street, ignoring that fact that I was one of Trenton’s hot-shit “haves,” in (rightful) possession of a water hose, soap, sponge and bucket (and a driveway!). What can I say – the place was “VACUUM CRAZY!!!” That’s what the sign said; I don’t just make this shit up. In addition, I loved to watch the team of four short, towel-wielding men at the end of the line, who would fuss over my car with lightning speed and robotic efficiency. The car would invariably reek of dollar-store cologne when I got back into it, but that was nothing a few miles with the windows open wouldn’t fix. Good times.
This particular facility required that you exit the vehicle while it was being washed. Which made sense, as would be tough for them to be “VACUUM CRAZY!!!” with my fat ass taking up the driver’s seat; they’d probably have been reduced to merely “VACUUM QUIRKY!!!” Which is unacceptable. If I had the urge to actually be inside the car as it was being washed - which is pretty fun, I gotta admit - I would just hit the car wash on South Broad in Hamilton. But they towel off your car all half-assed-like. So I stopped going there; screw them.
Walking down the long hallway of the car wash, I would see pictures of this property in its former glory as a trolley depot, back when the city Trenton had tens of thousands more residents, and far, far, FAR fewer automobiles. Apparently, it was a special privilege to own a car back then. Oh, to be born in 1892 or so. Anyway, it got me to thinking…
Given our current motor vehicle regulation enforcement environment, could I possibly be alone when I assert that fully 50% of my urban angst stems from Trenton’s Assholes and Their Fucking Cars? Of course I can’t.
This has to stop, people. So, without further ado, I present my fifth and final platform piece: The Tow Truck Revolution.
PARKING ENFORCEMENT:
Remember when you could actually get a parking ticket in the South Ward (or for that matter, any part of the city not inhabited mostly by white people or visited by out-of-towners)? Yeah, I think that was back in the 1990s. Well, those days shall return. Don’t give me this shit about Trenton not being able to afford more parking enforcement officers. Based only on what I see in my own neighborhood, a parking officer doing things even in a completely half-assed manner (a.k.a. Trenton Standard Operating Procedure) would be writing enough tickets to cover his/her wages and benefits by a factor of three.
That’s right, my friends. You will soon be able to drive through any intersection in the South Ward without struggling to see around that fucking Escalade that’s sticking halfway into your street and blocking a fire hydrant. But but but… Councilman Clean! There’s nowhere to park at night! There’s too many cars anymore! Tough shit. Park illegally in my City, and you will be riding a bike or taking a bus tomorrow morning.
TRAFFIC ENFORCEMENT:
Trenton Driver's Manual, 2009:
· Traffic control devices are for suggestive purposes only: a light isn’t really red until five seconds after it has turned red. Twenty-five (as in speed limit) means forty, perhaps forty-five. Those markings in the street, telling you which way you may turn from a given lane? Those do not apply to you, nor does any sign reading “NO TURN ON RED,” “STOP,” or “YIELD.”
Back when I used to care about washing my low-end German import on a more frequent basis than “every April or so,” I would take it to that huge-ass car wash on Lalor Street, ignoring that fact that I was one of Trenton’s hot-shit “haves,” in (rightful) possession of a water hose, soap, sponge and bucket (and a driveway!). What can I say – the place was “VACUUM CRAZY!!!” That’s what the sign said; I don’t just make this shit up. In addition, I loved to watch the team of four short, towel-wielding men at the end of the line, who would fuss over my car with lightning speed and robotic efficiency. The car would invariably reek of dollar-store cologne when I got back into it, but that was nothing a few miles with the windows open wouldn’t fix. Good times.
This particular facility required that you exit the vehicle while it was being washed. Which made sense, as would be tough for them to be “VACUUM CRAZY!!!” with my fat ass taking up the driver’s seat; they’d probably have been reduced to merely “VACUUM QUIRKY!!!” Which is unacceptable. If I had the urge to actually be inside the car as it was being washed - which is pretty fun, I gotta admit - I would just hit the car wash on South Broad in Hamilton. But they towel off your car all half-assed-like. So I stopped going there; screw them.
Walking down the long hallway of the car wash, I would see pictures of this property in its former glory as a trolley depot, back when the city Trenton had tens of thousands more residents, and far, far, FAR fewer automobiles. Apparently, it was a special privilege to own a car back then. Oh, to be born in 1892 or so. Anyway, it got me to thinking…
Given our current motor vehicle regulation enforcement environment, could I possibly be alone when I assert that fully 50% of my urban angst stems from Trenton’s Assholes and Their Fucking Cars? Of course I can’t.
This has to stop, people. So, without further ado, I present my fifth and final platform piece: The Tow Truck Revolution.
PARKING ENFORCEMENT:
Remember when you could actually get a parking ticket in the South Ward (or for that matter, any part of the city not inhabited mostly by white people or visited by out-of-towners)? Yeah, I think that was back in the 1990s. Well, those days shall return. Don’t give me this shit about Trenton not being able to afford more parking enforcement officers. Based only on what I see in my own neighborhood, a parking officer doing things even in a completely half-assed manner (a.k.a. Trenton Standard Operating Procedure) would be writing enough tickets to cover his/her wages and benefits by a factor of three.
That’s right, my friends. You will soon be able to drive through any intersection in the South Ward without struggling to see around that fucking Escalade that’s sticking halfway into your street and blocking a fire hydrant. But but but… Councilman Clean! There’s nowhere to park at night! There’s too many cars anymore! Tough shit. Park illegally in my City, and you will be riding a bike or taking a bus tomorrow morning.
TRAFFIC ENFORCEMENT:
Trenton Driver's Manual, 2009:
· Traffic control devices are for suggestive purposes only: a light isn’t really red until five seconds after it has turned red. Twenty-five (as in speed limit) means forty, perhaps forty-five. Those markings in the street, telling you which way you may turn from a given lane? Those do not apply to you, nor does any sign reading “NO TURN ON RED,” “STOP,” or “YIELD.”
· A child restraint seat is good if you can get it (i.e., if some governmental agency provides it to you free of charge, installs it in your car and trains you in its proper use), but wrapping your arms around your baby while in the front seat is OK, too.
· You are expected to make a u-turn in the middle of any intersection in order to more expeditiously complete your journey. Driving around the block is for losers.
· It is acceptable to stop your car in the travel portion of any street, for as long as you want, and for whatever reason, as long as your blinkers are on. Or if they’re not. Whatever, it’s all about you.
· Generally speaking, it is best to stop in an intersection where you do NOT have the stop sign, and vice versa.
· If you are in a hurry, it’s OK to blow past a stopped school bus or (especially) ice cream truck.
· Those people who hold those red things that read “STOP,” so that children can cross the street before/after school? Ignore them; you have a greasy sack of M.C. Donaldz a-coolin’ in your passenger seat.
· Have you heard of the ridiculous law that prohibits you from operating a hand-held communication device while driving? That does not apply to Trenton. You didn’t know that, did ya?
· If you drive an old Honda or Dodge Neon or whatever, you must take it to a shop and have it re-tooled to make it louder than a Boeing 747 in its takeoff roll, even though this does not make your car the slightest bit faster.
Enough of this shit already! My City Council will fast-track some fascist pieces of legislation, which will combine zero tolerance with sadistic punishment. In a nutshell, if you’re caught breaking any traffic laws, your vehicle will be confiscated on the spot, and you will have to walk or take the bus to your final destination.
In order to help facilitate this, we will provision a fleet of tow trucks, manned by the all-volunteer, tactical paramilitary goon squad (mentioned in a previous platform piece), which will be available day and night, to transport all confiscated vehicles to the impound lot.
Impound fees will be $200, daily. Any cars left on the impound lot for more than three days will be sold, with all proceeds going directly into the City treasury.
Considering that the late-model Buick or pimped-out Honda is the most valuable thing that your average Trentonian will ever own, I’m confident that my proposed legislation and enforcement, which completely lack tolerance and possess razor-sharp teeth, will eventually get the message across, and our City will take a baby step toward joining the rest of civilized society.
There you have it. It is obvious to me that I have given the South Ward the only logical alternative to “The Sell-Out,” “The Crazy Bird Lady,” “THE YELLING GUY,” “The Latino Social Worker” and the other ones, so what are you waiting for?
All you need to do now is write me in on November 3***, and allow me to Clean Out City Hall.
***Sorry, I can’t provide rides to the polls or Target Gift Cards.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
A CELEBRATION OF FAILURE
I'd Cry, If Only I Could Stop Laughing
Imagine these headlines:
“Exxon tanker to be named after Hazelwood”
“Humane Society scholarship to be named after Vick”
“Detroit city hall to be named after Kilpatrick”
“St. Louis ballpark to be named after Holliday”
“Lower Ninth Ward street to be named after Bush”
“Hamilton day care to be named after Timmendequas”
Ridiculous, right? OK, the last one’s a wee bit disgusting, as well. Tough shit.
In a nutshell: Adrienne Hayling sat on the Trenton Public Library Board of (mis)Trustees for the past 37 years. Thirty-seven years is a long time in Trenton library terms; people actually borrowed BOOKS from the library back then, as opposed to sundry works of audio-visual entertainment, but that’s not important now.
As a result of decades of gross mismanagement on the part of Board, of which Hayling was President for who-knows-how-long*, the library found itself in such dire financial straits that significant evasive action was required in order to prevent branch closures and/or drastically curtailed opening hours. Honestly, we still don’t know the extent of the mess our library system is in, as it has operated without any accountability or third party oversight for so long (a hallmark of anything in the inner circle of the Palmer administration); maybe we’ll find out when it’s time for the next City budget to be slapped together.
According to Larry Parker, Dizzoner’s go-to shill/trial balloon floater, Hayling abruptly stepped aside a few months ago, stating that she wanted time to “smell the roses.” Unidentified sources tell us she really said that she needed to “slowly step away from a plane crash that I caused, in hopes that nobody ties me to it.”
But, to hell with all of that. In fucking typical Trenton fashion, instead of naming Hayling in a lawsuit, a library branch will be named after her. And there will be a party! That’s November 6, at Settimo Cielo on Front Street, according to Larry Parker. You should check that place out sometime; the grappa is to die for (or perhaps “from.” I should know).
A party. Ugh. Imagine the Washington Nationals having a post-season “victory” party. Pretty much the same thing.
Only in Trenton, kids.
*Maybe since King Douglas Hunterdon Palmer took office? Just a guess.
Imagine these headlines:
“Exxon tanker to be named after Hazelwood”
“Humane Society scholarship to be named after Vick”
“Detroit city hall to be named after Kilpatrick”
“St. Louis ballpark to be named after Holliday”
“Lower Ninth Ward street to be named after Bush”
“Hamilton day care to be named after Timmendequas”
Ridiculous, right? OK, the last one’s a wee bit disgusting, as well. Tough shit.
Well, any of the preceding make about as much sense as what I saw in today’s Trentonian:
In a nutshell: Adrienne Hayling sat on the Trenton Public Library Board of (mis)Trustees for the past 37 years. Thirty-seven years is a long time in Trenton library terms; people actually borrowed BOOKS from the library back then, as opposed to sundry works of audio-visual entertainment, but that’s not important now.
As a result of decades of gross mismanagement on the part of Board, of which Hayling was President for who-knows-how-long*, the library found itself in such dire financial straits that significant evasive action was required in order to prevent branch closures and/or drastically curtailed opening hours. Honestly, we still don’t know the extent of the mess our library system is in, as it has operated without any accountability or third party oversight for so long (a hallmark of anything in the inner circle of the Palmer administration); maybe we’ll find out when it’s time for the next City budget to be slapped together.
According to Larry Parker, Dizzoner’s go-to shill/trial balloon floater, Hayling abruptly stepped aside a few months ago, stating that she wanted time to “smell the roses.” Unidentified sources tell us she really said that she needed to “slowly step away from a plane crash that I caused, in hopes that nobody ties me to it.”
But, to hell with all of that. In fucking typical Trenton fashion, instead of naming Hayling in a lawsuit, a library branch will be named after her. And there will be a party! That’s November 6, at Settimo Cielo on Front Street, according to Larry Parker. You should check that place out sometime; the grappa is to die for (or perhaps “from.” I should know).
A party. Ugh. Imagine the Washington Nationals having a post-season “victory” party. Pretty much the same thing.
Only in Trenton, kids.
*Maybe since King Douglas Hunterdon Palmer took office? Just a guess.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
INAPPROPRIATE PRODUCT ENRORSEMENT?
Trentonian Headline Writer Surfaces at The Times?
As a rabid girls high school tennis fan, I read with unbridled delight that the undefeated West Windsor-Plainsboro South squad recently bested a Monmouth County counterpart in state tournament play. If you’re like me, you probably toss and turn at night, trying to wrap your brain around the source of the Pirates’ tennis prowess.
As a rabid girls high school tennis fan, I read with unbridled delight that the undefeated West Windsor-Plainsboro South squad recently bested a Monmouth County counterpart in state tournament play. If you’re like me, you probably toss and turn at night, trying to wrap your brain around the source of the Pirates’ tennis prowess.
Thanks to the headline writer responsible for the sports section in today’s Times Barely of Trenton, I will sleep well tonight; like a baby who drank a bottle of Benadryl.
Oh, like it’s funny when Jay Leno does it. Eat my balls, OK?
Can't wait to read the shit-storm of clucking, whining claptrap that our local ninnies will launch at the Letters page of that Nancy-boy paper... "WHAT kind of MESSAGE are you sending?!?!?" "WHAT about the CHILDREN!!!" "WAAAAAHHH!!!"
I think this opens the door for Rider University to officially endorse Absolut Citron vodka.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
"CLEAN"ING UP TRENTON - #4
Introducing the Quality of Life Goon Squad
I’m sure you’re aware of what I like to call the "Trenton Paradox:" The nicer the weather at bedtime, the less likely you’ll be able to enjoy it by turning in for the night with your bedroom windows open. Unless your dinner consisted of five Seroquel, washed down with a bottle of wine, I suppose.
If you’re a Trentonian, you probably have attempted to sleep through the night, while letting a crisp autumn breeze into your sleeping quarters. You probably also sprung out of bed to slam the window shut, after being treated to an infuriating gumbo of dysfunctional urban ambience. You know the deal: car alarms, the unlicensed pit bull breeding operation next door, the fucking ice cream trucks, young kids carrying on outside at least three hours later than any non-derelict parent would have had sent their asses to bed, shattering liquor bottles, nine-on-one “fights” in the middle of the street, cars/motorcycles/ATVs screaming recklessly down your block, cars creeping down your block while broadcasting 120 decibels of “music,” the lyrics to which consist entirely of the words “bitch,” “nigga” and “muthafucka,” and loud groups of young adults, drinking Hennessy while smoking or snorting God-knows-what on the front stoop of a battered rental property.
M’hmm, that’s right. It may be Tuesday for you, for most of your so-called “neighbors,” EVERY night is Saturday night.
You’re sick of it, aren’t you?
This is yet another reason why you should vote for me. My City Council will push relentlessly for the creation of an all-volunteer, tactical paramilitary goon squad, which will operate alongside the Trenton Police Department, and be dedicated to patrolling our streets in search of those quality of life infractions we’ve all come to know and loathe. This arrangement will free TPD to focus on serious crime in a more effective manner, and will allow Trenton's finest volunteers to take the law into their own hands, punishing all offenders on the spot, in the harshest manner possible. For example:
If you can’t use your audio system responsibly after dark, it will be taken away from you. What’s that? It’s in your car? Tough shit; you had already been warned - gimme the keys.
Caught littering? I hope you saved room for dessert, which will consist of everything you carelessly cast to the ground. I don't care if it's a crack pipe or a Black & Mild tip - your next morning dump will teach you the dangers of littering.
Anyone taking part in a loud, intoxicated front stoop party will be forced into the back yard, gagged and chained to a tree. Hey, act like animals, get treated like animals, right? Don’t worry, we’ll set you free tomorrow morning. This will be done again and again, until you get the message, and keep your stupid house parties where they belong – in your house.
Do you have any creative, sadistic fantasies for dealing with the scumbags who have Kept It Real to the point where you’re about to hammer the “For Sale” sign into the ground in front of your property? Send them to me! The Quality of Life Goon Squad cannot work without your input! Seriously, why sell your house when you can instead enjoy some satisfying, cathartic retribution? It’s so much more fun, and you don’t have to give some vapid bimbo 6% of the proceeds when you’re done!
Coming Soon: The Tow Truck Revolution (I Mean It This Time)
I’m sure you’re aware of what I like to call the "Trenton Paradox:" The nicer the weather at bedtime, the less likely you’ll be able to enjoy it by turning in for the night with your bedroom windows open. Unless your dinner consisted of five Seroquel, washed down with a bottle of wine, I suppose.
If you’re a Trentonian, you probably have attempted to sleep through the night, while letting a crisp autumn breeze into your sleeping quarters. You probably also sprung out of bed to slam the window shut, after being treated to an infuriating gumbo of dysfunctional urban ambience. You know the deal: car alarms, the unlicensed pit bull breeding operation next door, the fucking ice cream trucks, young kids carrying on outside at least three hours later than any non-derelict parent would have had sent their asses to bed, shattering liquor bottles, nine-on-one “fights” in the middle of the street, cars/motorcycles/ATVs screaming recklessly down your block, cars creeping down your block while broadcasting 120 decibels of “music,” the lyrics to which consist entirely of the words “bitch,” “nigga” and “muthafucka,” and loud groups of young adults, drinking Hennessy while smoking or snorting God-knows-what on the front stoop of a battered rental property.
M’hmm, that’s right. It may be Tuesday for you, for most of your so-called “neighbors,” EVERY night is Saturday night.
You’re sick of it, aren’t you?
This is yet another reason why you should vote for me. My City Council will push relentlessly for the creation of an all-volunteer, tactical paramilitary goon squad, which will operate alongside the Trenton Police Department, and be dedicated to patrolling our streets in search of those quality of life infractions we’ve all come to know and loathe. This arrangement will free TPD to focus on serious crime in a more effective manner, and will allow Trenton's finest volunteers to take the law into their own hands, punishing all offenders on the spot, in the harshest manner possible. For example:
If you can’t use your audio system responsibly after dark, it will be taken away from you. What’s that? It’s in your car? Tough shit; you had already been warned - gimme the keys.
Caught littering? I hope you saved room for dessert, which will consist of everything you carelessly cast to the ground. I don't care if it's a crack pipe or a Black & Mild tip - your next morning dump will teach you the dangers of littering.
Anyone taking part in a loud, intoxicated front stoop party will be forced into the back yard, gagged and chained to a tree. Hey, act like animals, get treated like animals, right? Don’t worry, we’ll set you free tomorrow morning. This will be done again and again, until you get the message, and keep your stupid house parties where they belong – in your house.
Do you have any creative, sadistic fantasies for dealing with the scumbags who have Kept It Real to the point where you’re about to hammer the “For Sale” sign into the ground in front of your property? Send them to me! The Quality of Life Goon Squad cannot work without your input! Seriously, why sell your house when you can instead enjoy some satisfying, cathartic retribution? It’s so much more fun, and you don’t have to give some vapid bimbo 6% of the proceeds when you’re done!
Coming Soon: The Tow Truck Revolution (I Mean It This Time)
Friday, September 18, 2009
"CLEAN"ING UP TRENTON - #3
Signs of Change
Everybody knows that the average business in the South Ward has the curb appeal of a raided meth lab. This must be dealt with, now. As an early order of business in The Clean Council, we will change the commercial signage situation in Trenton, immediately. When I am elected South Ward Councilthing, all shops sporting half-assedly hand- or spray-painted signage will be dealt with swiftly and severely. I don’t care if Leon Rainbow did it – it’s fucking graffiti.
And another thing: I have nothing but respect for immigrants who stick out their necks to start businesses in our City, but when I see storefronts that are signed completely in Spanish, it makes me want to throw furniture... and I am literate, if far from fluent, in Spanish.
Since The Establishment has been compelled to bend itself into a square knot in accommodation of the non-English speaker, in the form of bi-lingual everything, our Latino brothers and sisters need to meet us halfway across the street. As your Councilthing, I will ensure that every business whose signage is exclusively in any non-English language is fined on a per-day basis, until the proprietor gets the message and shows a little respect; comprende, amigo?
Coming Soon: The Tow Truck Revolution
Everybody knows that the average business in the South Ward has the curb appeal of a raided meth lab. This must be dealt with, now. As an early order of business in The Clean Council, we will change the commercial signage situation in Trenton, immediately. When I am elected South Ward Councilthing, all shops sporting half-assedly hand- or spray-painted signage will be dealt with swiftly and severely. I don’t care if Leon Rainbow did it – it’s fucking graffiti.
And another thing: I have nothing but respect for immigrants who stick out their necks to start businesses in our City, but when I see storefronts that are signed completely in Spanish, it makes me want to throw furniture... and I am literate, if far from fluent, in Spanish.
Since The Establishment has been compelled to bend itself into a square knot in accommodation of the non-English speaker, in the form of bi-lingual everything, our Latino brothers and sisters need to meet us halfway across the street. As your Councilthing, I will ensure that every business whose signage is exclusively in any non-English language is fined on a per-day basis, until the proprietor gets the message and shows a little respect; comprende, amigo?
Coming Soon: The Tow Truck Revolution
Thursday, September 17, 2009
"CLEAN"ING UP TRENTON - #2
A Spiteful Fantasy that Just Might Work
When I become South Ward City Councilthing, I will propose the use of Federal stimulus funds to purchase The Trentonian, and have it run by men and women who have the know-how to bring a print/online news operation into the 21st century – at a profit. Trenton's Profit! Imagine that - something in the City that will produce more than it consumes. What a concept! [BF&A Note: Don't tell me I can't do this, Old Mill Hill. I'm sick and tired of reasonable people, who know how government works, shitting all over my hopes and dreams]
Under the City's watchful eye, management will then - swiftly, and in the most humiliating manner possible - sack everyone whose literary skills are better suited to one of those “street” newsletters that are published by hoboes. Larry “King Douglas’ Court Jester” Parker? Gone! Andria “AC360#” Carter? Gone! “Artless” Artemis Coughlan? Gone! Sulaiman Abdur-Rahman “Noodles?” Gone! We will then stock it with actual journalists, who possess an unfailing sense of English style and grammar, and will check their “agendas” at the door (there must be a half dozen or so of these left, somewhere). These reporters will be required to spend a significant portion of their time working with Tren’n Publik Skoolz students who can breathe with their mouths closed and are interested in professional writing, molding them into worthy scribes.
The days of The Trentonian’s headlong slide from English toward some heinous creole of English and Ebonics? Over.
Coming Soon: Your Business Looks Like Shit; Fix It, Asswipe.
DIRT NAPster: Henry Gibson
There will be nothing written in regard to Mr. Gibson’s death because I HATE ILLINOIS NAZIS!!!
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